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Etiquette is a set of expected behaviors, the rules of how we interact if you will. The lifestyle as it is today has lost touch with protocol and etiquette, and this is causing quite a bit of friction in the lifestyle.

It's not really the fault of just the new folks either. With the influx of new people into the lifestyle and a lack of any sort of education or mentoring system in place, many new people are simply unaware of what good form is.

There is no "universal" protocol or etiquette, there are some common points that will help overall though.

• "What happens in vegas..." - Tempting as it may be, you should not discuss that great scene you and John had at the local play party without the permission of everyone involved, that would be You, John, and whoever hosted the party. While some people are open about their activities, some still prefer to keep certain things private.
• "If it ain't yours..." - Don't touch it, this applies to people as well as toys, while some people will be completely cool with you fondling their flogger, others might get a bit miffed, so ask permission. This goes double for people, a slap on the ass might seem a good idea, but if the ass you are slapping is not yours, that is assault and battery if someone decides to press charges.
• Nilla exposure - Don't go playing, or talking about involved BDSM techniques around the nillas, it screws with everyone's future enjoyment of that location. Don't show off toys, flog someone, whatever around the nillas. This applies to munches, outside of any event, etc. Keep it private.
• Don't "out" people - This means, don't use their real name within a BDSM group unless they say it is ok, and don't use their "scene" name in a nilla setting. It should go without saying to not discuss someone's BDSM life in their nilla life, or their nilla life in their BDSM life. Some people like their privacy.
• "It's pray not prey" - Don't pounce on the new people, give them a chance to breath and get used to things before you try to molest them. The key in "informed" consent, if they are new, they are not informed.
• "Quiet down" - Don't interrupt someone who is playing, either by being in their space or by talking loudly, if you don't know how loud your voice is, don't talk.
• "Cleanliness is next to..." - Clean up after yourself, your not a child, no one wants to have to deal with your body fluids or used candy wrappers.

Hopefully these will give people a slightly better idea of how to behave like adults, remember actions become habits if you perform them often enough.

"Man's chief enemy is his own unruly nature and the dark forces put up within him." - Ernest Jones

Group dynamics is under a constant form of evolution recently. For millions of years the major forms of social interaction were mostly 1 on 1, or perhaps a small group sitting around a table. We have developed complex rules of order to handle gathers of more than a few people, because we as humans are of a dual nature. We are individuals who desire to be part of a group.

Computers have given us a newfound way to interact, and with it, a whole new set of issues, our groups have to find new ways to interact. The ease at which we can send off a message to 10s, 100s, or even 1000s of people causes our group dynamics to flow in an entirely new way.

We have all been to a party, and sat there bored, no one willing to be the first to get up and leave, but when that first one leaves, it all happens at once. And if everyone was bored at the party, then isn't it them who are to blame? Change comes from people standing up and being willing to make things change, the majority will follow along like a herd.

W.R. Bion wrote about group dynamics and had several situations that he noted caused groups to break apart. The first is sex talk, people flirting rather than doing whatever the group was brought together to do. The second is common enemies, the group would break down into discussions of outside enemies of whatever they are doing and forget to do what they actually came together to do. The third is the making of something sacred, something beyond discussion. All of this led him to say that groups need strict structure like Robert's rules of order to protect the group from itself.

Many groups form and allow things to go in a free manner, and eventually start to tear themselves apart because of human nature. The other groups who maintain a more strict form, and limit the discussions of the general membership seem to last longer or be more stable than those that allow simple freedom.

Groups also run into the problem of no one being willing to actually do the work needed to make a group work. Look to any group and see how many people are actually doing the work that makes the group function.

"The worst tyrants are those which establish themselves in our own breasts." - William Ellery Channing

RESPECT - to refrain from intruding upon or interfering with, to show regard or consideration for.

Where oh where has the respect in the community gone? Do we need to treat people like children, or dogs? All the time in the community we see people talking behind someone's back or trying to steal away their submissive, trying to lure away their dominant, etc. Did someone forget to grow up somewhere along the way?

"Men are respectable only as they respect" - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Respecting the rights of others is one of the things that make community and civilization possible, if you don't respect another's rights, why should they respect yours?

"He who does not have the courage to speak up for his rights cannot earn the respect of others." - Rene G. Torres

We, as a community, have failed, the fear of being seen as judgmental or a "true" wayer, makes us stand back and allow things we cannot in good conscience stand by and watch. The new generation of the community shows a lack of respect, honor, integrity, because we failed to instill it in them.

So, how do we fix it?

"Nature abhors a vacuum but why do most people hasten to fill in the blanks with garbage?" - Vanna Bonta

We have all been at the receiving end of rumors at one point or another in our lives. Often the source of the rumor is not even all that well informed, or even if they are informed, they are jaded or spreading a false rumor out of spite. Sometimes the rumor comes from a misunderstanding.

I am guilty of that last one, a while back someone had asked me what I thought of a particular rigger, I connected two different things I knew to create a bad perception of him. One, I knew he had made a comment that he did all the rigging at a particular event from the beginning. And two, I knew an accident had occurred and someone got hurt due to bad rigging at that event. I mistakenly connected those two, not knowing that at that particular event someone else had been doing the rigging. For that I have apologized to him, if he wants it in public, I can do that.

And all this damages our reputations, both the rumor monger and the person the rumor is about. We may sustain our honor, since no one can take that from us, but how others see us can be damaged severely.

Part of being visible is being a target of rumors, part of being in relationships is that rumors will spread about you from those jealous of what you have, to those pissed off they are not getting what they want. And in power exchange this becomes even more pronounced, the jilted dominant or submissive may spread rumors to attempt to win attention from others.

I know I have been, currently am, and will continue to be the target of many false rumors. I know the sources, I know the rumors, I know it will continue. I simply make the choice to live my life, and let the rumor mongers feed each other, maybe the weather is nice in their fantasy world.

Of course the chat rooms and IM feeds them, they can gossip to their hearts content without having it known they do it. Often no one keeps record of it, it just vanishes with time.

Maybe if we all quit feeding them, they will go away, either that or do what I do, just poke them now and again for some fun. Trust me it is good to lift your spirits to see how many of their views are totally off kilter. Might even get you to smile or laugh.

I am thankful for those who are close to me and who know who I am and what I stand for, their support means the world to me.

"A rumor without a leg to stand on will get around some other way." - John Tudor