I have been having a "bad day", I seem to be comming out of it now, but while I am in that state, I hurt the people I love either through distraction or directly. I am not sure how to explain what goes on in my mind when I am like this, but I will make the attempt.

Imagine your life is a TV channel, sound and visual, now imagine flipping through the channels only staying on each channel for a few seconds, sometimes able to pause and come back to important stations, now imagine a "bad day", the channels keep changing, no way to delay, no way to go back to the important channels, just flipping, channel to channel. Nothing would be understood, nothing would be done.

I have been reading up on ADHD and its reasons and causes, and I am beginning to see it is only a problem because of how we are forced to live, had I been raised in a tribal society perhaps I would have done better, these "bad days", are simply attacks, where my mind is rejecting the barriers society places on me, attempting to force me to function as a farmer instead of a hunter.

I will continue to read up and learn, and perhaps one day I will find the right way to cope that does not have me needing to pull myself out of society for periods because I cannot deal with the insanity that society represents.

Often when we lie, it seems such a small lie, told to protect someone's feelings, or to have some fun, or protect ourselves from being judged. But those little lies grow, and they aquire a life of their own, we loose control of it, and even loose sight of the boundery between truth and the lie.

We fear discovery of the lie, and it makes us not be true to who we are, other lies get told to cover the first lie and those new lies take on their own lives.

People judge us based on the lies we have told, thinking them the truth, they invest time in a lie, in an illusion, wasting their time, wasting our time.

The lie begins to control us, we begin to believe there is no way to tell the truth anymore, it has grown beyond our ability to make right.

But you can free yourself of it, and stop the mounting cost of the lie, by simply telling the truth, the truth of who we are, what we want, some will judge you harshly, but that is part of the cost, if they are truely your friends, they will stick with you.

Look in the mirror, see the REAL you, look to that inner truth of who you are, and what you need in your life. Stop the cost of the lies, and if everyone would, the world would be a far better place.

How is power defined, scholar Kenneth Boulding said, power is "the ability to change the future.", we shape out own future everyday, either through action or inaction.

I can do something for myself, that is the power of self-reliance, I can ask someone to help me do something that is another type of power drawn from my social and communication skills, finally I can force someone else do do something, that is power as well, this power comes from force and threat.

Most people only see the third option when they think of power, the power to make someone else do something, I tend to rely on the first two more, even within the context of a D/s relationship, isn't it better to control socially than through fear?